Stressed

I'm stressed, and I hate it. I am tired of worrying, tired of feeling sick to my stomach, and tired of feeling my heart racing a mile a minute.

My Grandma is sick. Really sick. I'm not sure how much longer she has left, but I know it's definitely not as long as I'd like to have her here. I'm not even going to write the "C" word because it doesn't deserve to be acknowledged.

I am having so many flashbacks of watching my Mom die from the "C" word. I know my Grandma is not my Mom, but she's always been a second mother to me. I know that I'm not 21 anymore like I was when my Mom died, so why do I feel like I am? I feel helpless and alone. I want to crawl into a hole and come out when everything is okay.

It's amazing how things that happen to us in the past affect who we are today. I don't like living in fear like I currently do. Nothing is little to me -- everything is major. I worry about my kids, my husband, and myself. I beg God every day to please protect my husband and kids. They're all I have left. Please don't let the "C" word ever come back into our lives again. I worry that I'm going to lose everyone around me and then I'll be all alone.

I think I need some nerve pills. Then again, I think that I'm strong enough to get through this on my own. I'm having a hard time letting go of the fact that I have no control in this situation. Not matter how much I love my Grandma, it's not going to heal her. When my Mom died, I didn't think that I would ever be happy again. Well, my husband and kids bring me great joy and I am so very thankful I have them. I know I will get through this. I just need to trust God and let go of my fears because His plan for us is perfect. Why is that easier said than done?